Dialogue between columnist Pit Coin of the Ontario Grope & Nail and the famous Konrad White

Pierre Marchand

2022-07-17

P: How dare those frogs stand up to us? We’re nearing our goal by making them more and more a minority in Canada. In the past, we added provinces and territories and encouraged immigration of English people in order to assimilate them at the time of Lord Durham. Today, they’re becoming even more of a minority in their own province thanks to the unbridled immigration of these past years.

K: After all, they’re only one ethnic group just like all the others!

P: Exactly! We expected them to quiet down. But no, they dare to defy us with their revolting Bill 21 claiming to separate Church from State and imposing laicity in their province. Some of them even have the nerve to say that laicity is morally superior to our Anglo-Saxon secularism.

K: Truly sad indeed. Our secularism stems directly from our centuries-old British traditions and has been enshrined in our God given Charter of Rights which is as venerable as if it had descended directly from Heaven and been engraved on stone tablets transmitted to us by the great prophet Saint PET upon his return from meeting the representative of God on Earth in London.

P: Yes. Moreover, they have no respect for the monarchy, our British royalty which reigns over our whole Commonwealth by the grace of God. It’s even written on our coins!

K: We certainly don’t want to become a republic! Nothing would distinguish us any more from Catholic Ireland (ugh) or the USA!

P: Did you know that certain Quebecers would even like to abolish the position of Lieutenant Governor and that the elected MNAs of Quebec would be the ones to decide their fate instead of our judges of the Supreme Court, by the use of the notwithstanding clause? In my opinion, this clause should be removed from our constitution.

K: Truly awful, you’re right. But you know our constitution is unalterable. “Good for a thousand years” said Saint PET. If we tried to amend it, Quebecers would take advantage of that, attempting to obtain all kinds of unacceptable advantages such as the status of nation or distinct society, or controlling their own immigration, or collecting a single income tax.

P: Anyway, I’m doing all I can. I badmouth them as much as possible in my editorials. I even have to exaggerate and lie in order to rouse true Canadians against them.

K: Denigrate, lie, there will always be something left over. See how well it worked for Trump in the USA. Personally, I find your Quebec-bashing very useful and thoroughly enjoyable.

P: Thank you. But the Supreme Court must absolutely invalidate their Bill 21. Think about all those veiled women who won’t be able to teach! It’s revolting.

K: Yes, it’s pure Islamophobia and the most abject racism. We must put those MNAs in their place.

P: Indeed. Some of them even have the effrontery to pretend that Quebecers ought to be ruled by the Quebec Charter of Human Rights and Freedoms instead of our holy Charter of Rights which they have surely copied.

K: How horrible! A charter without God like theirs is really intolerable. You can’t set religion aside like that. We need it for our tax deductions and to pacify the masses. A country without collusion between the State and religions is doomed to debauchery and decadence. See what happened to the USSR and Cuba!

P: I bet if we let them, the next step would be to tax religions.

K: We can’t tolerate that either. Religions must be financed by public funds otherwise they might feel free not go along with the government.

P: I wonder when we’ll hear Trudeau say “God bless Canada!”

K: Alas! Steven Harper said it once but it didn’t work out for him so he never repeated it. Once again it’s the fault of these damn Quebecers. Whatever, we have to impose our charter recognizing the supremacy of God on those damn atheistic poutine eaters.

P: I totally agree. Returning to their other atrocities, at the height of insolence, they refuse to speak our language, that of the British Empire, the Commonwealth and the rest of North America. They want to impose French on immigrants with their Bill 96 and forbid them from attending anglophone schools and CEGEPs. Think of all these poor allophone students who’ll fail! Moreover, health workers won’t have the right to speak to patients in any language other than French. What a shame! Pure xenophobia! Think about all these allophones who’ll die by lack of care! Dictatorship I say! Fascism! Nazism! Excuse me if I lie and exaggerate once more. Please understand, I can’t help it!

K: Ideally we could kick Quebec out of Canada, but it would be bad for business. As long as it’s part of Canada, we can impose the Trans-Canada pipeline, CN, Air Canada, the St-Lawrence seaway, multiculturalism, unlimited immigration (particularly by way of Roxham road) and many other forms of domination.

P: But I wonder if our immigration policies won’t play against us in the long term. With all these immigrants, we ourselves, WASP Anglo-Saxon colonists, will become a minority. There won’t be any Franco-Quebecers left, but no Anglo-Canadians either, only ethnics.

K: Fortunately that will take decades.

P: In the meantime, I’ll continue badmouthing them until they’re totally assimilated and we aren’t pestered any more by that stupid idea of a bilingual Canada. English coast-to-coast, I say!

K: Quite!